Happiness

For the past few days, I’ve been feeling exhausted and unmotivated. Everyday it’s the same old routine plus I started watching and being addicted to television again. When I am not watching it, all I can think about is my TV show (Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles) as if the characters are real and a part of my life; or if I am not thinking about that, I am thinking about a girl (…one in particular).

My current situation reminds me of last summer- the time after I had broken up with my ex. I ran into a friend of a friend at a gallery one day and we decided to exchange information and hang out. I could tell she was kind of into me. I think we met twice- nothing happened at all because I wasn’t really interested, but I guess I probably had sent her mixed signals because it was nice to be liked for a change… I think she was lonely. My friend mentioned to me before that she never had a boyfriend or she hadn’t had one in a while- I forget which but I guess that explains a lot because she began texting me a lot by phone… almost to the point where it got creepy. Then one day when a group of us were hanging out at a bar, she mentioned to me that she was planning on moving, which was weird because the last time I had talked to her, she had said that she loved her place because it was in the nicest location ever. I could tell what was coming… I hesitantly asked her where she was thinking of moving to. She looked me in the eyes and said “Eifuku,” which was where I was living at the time. After the party, I stopped communication with her entirely because she was living in her own movie where I was her main character which could save her from her problems but in reality, we had only hung out twice and was still a complete stranger… plus I was scared.

Anyways I can feel the reversed happening to me now (in not such an extreme case of course) but I find myself liking someone who is not available. And I know it’s just because I’m in a bad state right now and that I just want it to stop, but, of course, the only way it could happen is if I find the answer myself.

Ever since T.B., I keep being reminded that there is no such thing as happy endings because life isn’t like a movie or a T.V. show where finally after things are resolved and people are happy, it cuts to black. Life just keeps on going and that happiness soon disappears because it is only temporary. Sadly, it is a runner-up to boredom, loneliness, and ennui, which take up much more of one’s life... We are all trying to find happiness as our ultimate goal, but I’m starting to think that maybe that’s not the right way to go about living.