The Notebook

Day 220: Sunday, October 16, 2011

I’m still suffering from jet lag. This morning I got up, edited photos for work, had my tea and two slices, checked my email, took a shower as well as did the daily Barnacle, and by the time I was all done with everything, it was still only 8:00 a.m. I got up, stretched, and then decided to go to the bakery for my second breakfast as well as an excuse to get out of the house. While I got dressed in my room, I saw the black leather notebook that I had bought in America last weekend staring at me…

Months back, when I was at the Tokyu Hands store, I saw a notebook there, which would have been perfect for doing my diary, but it was way too expensive. I promised myself to get one if I made it to the Top 5 of the Canon competition as a reward. Well when I eventually did make it to the Top 5 and found myself at Tokyu Hands again in front of the notebook aisle, I still couldn’t bring myself to spend 2,000 yen on a stupid notebook, so I put it back. I told myself that I would get it if I won the Grand Prix award instead, but I knew right then and there that I would probably have to use most of the prize money to pay bills, debts and rent, so I doubted I would actually ever buy it.

When I was in America for my sister’s wedding last week, I was at a bookstore, which had a special rack dedicated to that brand of notebooks… and there it was- my little black leather notebook and for half the price. After a few minutes of holding it in my hands and trying it out in my back pocket and then holding it in my hands again, I ended up buying it even though I was still borrowing money this month to live. The night after I got back to Japan, I changed my mind and decided to give it to the girl that I like as a gift because even though I got rejected by her recently, she still worked so hard these past few months as my designer, and in the end, I wasn't quite ready to give up. I unwrapped it and painted her a picture inside. When I was done, I was quite proud and wanted to give it to her right away, but she said she was busy that night and since then it has been lying on my desk.

Today when I saw the notebook there in the gray morning light, I suddenly felt super depressed like I was staring at my own reflection in a mirror and seeing how pathetic my situation actually was. I got on my bike in the worst mood ever, but then as my mind wandered while my feet did all the work, I eventually came to realize that like the ups, even the downs of being in love were also kind of nice.

In the end, I kept the black leather notebook because I assumed it would be awkward for her to accept it after she had read this.